Fighting Self-sabotage

It’s about time

I have always praised myself for being a critical thinker. But the downside to that was doubting myself every time I intended to do something new or different. It was like having an inner Hajar in my brain, telling me that my idea(s) is not worth the time. That I am just running away from responsibilities and daydreaming.

The little voice in my head was a real pain. It hindered all my ideas into paralysis. I grew to be highly self-critical that I never gave myself enough credit when it was due.

This blog post is by no means a preach on how to resolve any issues with self-criticism because I am not an expert. It is about me baring myself out here square and fair.

Have I listened to my inner demons, I would have never typed this specific entry. But since, I am persistent to start to do more and think less, I am writing it.

When did it start?

I decided that I have to stop this habit before proceeding further into my life. Although I have a positive outlook towards my future, my judgemental mindset stubbornly overshadows it.

So, I sat down with myself and tried to dig into the root of my problem.

If this habit has become second nature to me, then I should have been subjected to criticism as a child. I realized that as the eldest, my parent expected high academic achievements from me. They were critical of any grade less than an A. To some point, I remember that I grew tired of their standards. I knew that it was their own way of looking out for me, ensuring that I am successful, and caring for my future. But at the same time, they unintentionally wired me to never be content with myself and with what I do. That I always have to do better and achieve more.

Now, as an adult, I am thankful for their drills. I grew to be hard-working but, I also became critical, too critical.

You have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens - Louise Hay

Receiving Critics during Juries

Funny thing, I was never hurt by the criticisms I received at architecture school. I don’t know if I grew tough skin. But in the end, I always perceived criticism at school as constructive feedback. That there’s always room for improvement.

The school work’s pressure got to me many times. But, the stress associated with jury reviews was not one of them. I actually enjoyed juries. I liked to have my design proposal on display, do my presentations, and receive comments. The arguments and discussions were always enjoyable.

Perhaps, it’s weird to enjoy something that is considered dreadful by many. More pointedly, I grew up hating inflicted criticism. How did it change like that? I am still trying to figure that one out.

Post-pandemic

After finishing school and during the lockdown, self-criticism has hit back at me heavily. Every time I start something, this blog, for instance, I would question myself harshly. I would read an entry a hundred times to check for any mistakes, even after publishing it.

I tell myself, that “Hajar, you are human. Make mistakes. Who is going to sue you?”. Nonetheless, I keep looking for loose ends. When I grow tired of my doubts, I just follow Mel Robbin’s 54321 rule or take a deep breath to save my mind from the attack it’s having.

Tiptoes

Now, I am working on releasing myself from the clutches of self-doubt and over-correction. It won’t be an easy path. But still, I am determined to be kinder to myself for my own good.

It’s an inner struggle that I have hidden for a long time. I realized that confrontation is the only solution. That’s why I am here openly, sharing my story and speaking out.

Thank you for reading ❤️